Lead a Life That's Fulfilling, Not Filling

Many of us are dissatisfied with our lives, but have no idea how to change.  Many of us, too, have no idea that we are dissatisfied, but we wake up lethargically, plod through the day, plop ourselves on our couch after doing the mandatory dinner, and fade off to a restless sleep.  We don’t live: we exist.

Of course some of us are driven.  We work hard and long. We strive for material acquisitions – the markers of success.  But they are markers only for external observers.  Inside, we still plod, intent on achieving and acquiring, but not knowing what our target or where our finish line is.  Indeed, the finish line keeps moving, and we are forced to continue the marathon of hopelessness.

It is not reaching the pinnacle that creates dissatisfaction: it is not knowing that we have reached our pinnacle, or, worse, that we are climbing the wrong mountain.

When I was twenty-two, I married for the first time.  For the three years that the marriage lasted, I climbed four rungs in the corporate ladder, built my own house, purchased new vehicles, new RV, new furniture, and so on.  I started my own business, while still working full time.  I went to night school to obtain a diploma in Business Administration.  All this, to prove to my father-in-law and myself that I could be a success, beyond what he had achieved.  And, all that, simply because he had the lack of class to tell his daughter that she could do better, that I would not amount to anything. 

So, I succeeded, financially and materially well beyond what he ever achieved, in less than four years.  But, more importantly, I failed myself, and I failed my wife.  Material success meant no time for any social interaction or family time.  In the end, I learned that money really meant nothing to me, and that the milestones and markers that others set for me were worthless and insignificant.  I needed to find my own route to becoming a whole “me.”  That learning process did not come quickly, cheaply or easily.  It has taken a lifetime, but it has been the most valuable (make that invaluable) acquisition that I could have made.

It is simple, yet difficult to discover and implement the strategies that are most fulfilling in one’s life.  There is a huge difference between fulfilling and filling.  Like an obese man gorging on food, we can fill ourselves and still not feel fulfilled.  Mountains of toys, gadgets and luxurious material possessions can fill our lives, but create a void inside us.  How we define fulfilling may vary, but it rarely is defined by measurable, visible markers.

I live a minimal lifestyle, by choice.  Having built multi-million dollars businesses, I have achieved.  Having hit rock-bottom financially, I have failed.  At the same time, when I owned those successful businesses, I was a failure, and when I had no money, I was a success.  The difference is that, by allowing external forces to determine what we see as success, we give away control of our lives.  When we willingly live a Spartan lifestyle, we may (but not always) take back that control, and that feels like success to me! 

Locus of control: internal versus external.  Pop psychology often defines one as the willingness to blame and give credit to outside forces for events in our lives, from Satan to God, from other people to events themselves controlling us.  Pop psychology defines internal loci of control as taking credit and blame for every thing that impacts on us, from the way we respond to the world to the way our behaviours, in turn, control the world outside. 

How ludicrous is it to suggest that Satan made me kill someone, while God made my favourite team win the big game?  If we believe our religious teachings, we have free choice, so to blame or give credit to God, Allah or the devil is preposterous.  Similarly, to suggest that, because I did something that I shouldn’t have done at work, my wife or child became ill suggests that I overinflate my own significance and power.  In truth, balance in belief is necessary.  We – all of us -- need to see ourselves and the world more dispassionately, and acknowledge that, at times, we control events, and at others, events occur regardless of our impact. 

The very first step in achieving a greater level of true satisfaction in our lives is to recognize that, when it comes to measures of success and greatness, it should not be what others think or see about us that matters, but we see in and think about ourselves that counts.  However, that inner assessment needs to be tempered by understanding that we are a part of, not the centre of the world around us, and that we have a role to play in the outside world, while it has a role to play inside us.  We need balance, and we need to establish equilibrium between internal and external loci of control.

The next step in achieving an enhanced level of true satisfaction is to separate what is needed in our lives, from what is wanted.  That, for most of us, is the hardest step.

Yes, I live a minimalist lifestyle, and drive an eco-friendly Prius.  Yet, I do not begrudge those that drive Hummers and own lavish homes.  Each chooses his own route.  But to own the Hummer because others will think you to be successful is as equally weak-kneed as living as a minimalist because all your friends think better of you for it.  Those choices should be a matter of internal reflection.

In my book, The Last Drop Of Living, I described the steps to living simply.  The methodology by which we de-clutter our living space, enjoy less more fully and simplify the world around us can be applied effectively to increasing our satisfaction levels in life.  It may not be tough, but it likely will be challenging; like giving up all sweets in your diet. However, the key and inaugural step in reaching that level of comfort in your life is straightforward.  Recognize and acknowledge that you can take control of how you see life and the world, while also accepting that many aspects of the world cannot be altered by you. Tackle the areas that are important to your feeling of wholeness, and refuse to be channelled by those outside forces that should not impact on you.  Accept responsibility and gain freedom in the process.

Newton Was Wrong: (Human) Bodies Do Not Tend To Stay At Rest!

Newton postulated that a body at rest will tend to stay at rest.  Witticisms aside, that principle clearly does not apply to human beings.  Rest is merely a reprieve from living. Those of us that seek to stay at rest are not seeking that oasis in life that allows us to feel fulfilled and satisfied, but are seeking to avoid the challenges that interaction with the world demands.  Yet, many of us describe our idyllic oasis in terms of doing nothing!

In my articles on finding your oasis in life, I have focused, to date, on self-realization.  Self realization principally enables us to recognize who we are, what we want and how we relate to the world around us.  It is self-actualization – the endeavour to become the best we can be – that provides the fulfilment necessary to being comfortable with ourselves and our lives.

In the early 1900s, Abraham Maslow proposed his hierarchy of needs.  This schematic implied that the most basic needs must be met before we could hope to climb the eight-rung ladder to self-actualization.  More recently, psychologist Steven Reiss suggested that there are sixteen basic desires that all of us seek to satisfy.  Psychologist Clayton Alderfer revised the Maslow model, and formulated his Existence, Relatedness and Growth theory.  He subsequently added in a regression component, saying that, when higher needs such as self-actualization and self-esteem needs are not met, we redouble our efforts to achieve lower-level needs.

These theories all imply that humans have needs that are ongoing, and that we, internally and externally, seek to have those needs satisfied.  We all, therefore, are seeking that oasis where we can regroup and renew our attempts to reach self-actualization.

Ironically, as we near the self-actualization level, our concerns begin to focus more on our role in the world around us, and our perceived needs begin to give way to the needs of others.  Social responsibility becomes one of those integral elements in self-fulfilment.

Many people, altruistically, place others well ahead of themselves.  My mother, for instance, would sit up into the wee hours of the morning from September to December, making presents for children who needed to have a Christmas gift.  She ached to provide for “those people who are less fortunate.”  However, she failed to consider herself to be one of those less fortunate, even though our household income never exceeded $3,000 in a year, our 450-square foot home sheltered six family members, one of the rooms in the house had no floor, and she was dying of cancer.  Others came first, for her.  Most of the year, she lived an embittered existence, but, as Christmas approached, she found her oasis.

As I was preparing this article on motivation and self-development, I took time to view a documentary on Harry Belafonte.  I was in the midst of writing about achieving self-satisfaction.  But the documentary changed that focus, dramatically.

In one scene, a starving child lay passively, as flies crawled over his gaping, listless eyes.  And I was thinking of how we should seek out tranquillity?

In another clip, Belafonte and Martin Luther King struggle to make the Kennedys understand how unjust the treatment of blacks in America was at that time.  And I was considering ways to escape from the world around us, to alleviate the angst and stress?

Neither Belafonte or King reached the point where they could say that they were satisfied.  King never saw the progress that he stimulated.  Belafonte has never been satisfied to say that he has done enough.  Yet, each reached a point in their lives that very few of us ever even strive to reach.

Finding your oasis, consequently, should not be about finding a level where one can be at perpetual rest.  It is not human nature.  Finding your oasis must be as much about enduring the travails of the desert, so that one can pause, look around for a few moments and say, “I’m ready to continue my journey of being a better person.”  Without satisfying those higher-level human needs, we are doomed to continually attempt to slake our human thirst to be better by turning to our more base, self-serving needs.  That, in turn, makes us no better than the animals around us.  Our oasis can only be found when our focus is on being a better person, and a better part of humanity.