Roots and routes: Keys To Happiness & Wellbeing

Abraham Maslow identified it as one key level in his hierarchy of needs.  Almost every living thing – from vegetation to Homo sapiens – relies on it for foundation, development or support.  It is our roots.  Each of us craves the sense of belongingness that our roots provide, and, even when those roots are rotted or missing, we seek out alternative routes to connectivity.

The Unabomber – David Kaczynski – was not necessarily seeking aloneness when he retreated to the remote wilderness of Montana.  Rather, he used this base of operations to demand, in pathological fashion, to be noticed and to connect to those that he felt had wronged him.

Wolves and domestic dogs gather in packs, while migrating birds seek connectivity through the flocks they join as they head south for the winter. Social gatherings form voluntary roots to the like-spirited people that we call friends.  Fish school for protection, while whales gather to fish for krill.  And, when “krilling” is completed, those same whales migrate thousands of miles to breeding grounds.

The family may be the most visible and durable of roots, but it is not the sole source of support.  Work cliques and coffee klatches form, impromptu, to exchange ideas and share the workload. 

Many family roots are severed, sometimes through unavoidable tragedy and others through dysfunction.  Yet, the longing for knowing our origins attests to the desire to repair those ruptures. Even those who call adoptive parents “Mom” or “Dad” often seek out biological origins.  It is knowing those foundations that gives us comfort, much like a security blanket.

Part of the problem with breaks in family relationships or friendships derives from a feeling that we are not being embraced “as we are.”  We expect to be accepted, without condition, by blood relatives.  In turn, we may place impediments to acceptance in front of others, as a test of loyalty.  We often are disappointed.

To achieve unconditional acceptance and belonging, we must first accept others and ourselves, as we exist.  Not all bonds will be immutable, though.  Even family members have individual issues and priorities that will preclude strong bonds.  But those roots are essential to our sense of wellbeing and completeness.

“Belonging” is not automatic.  Like well-travelled trails to desert oases, or roads to popular destinations, we need to travel a variety of routes to find belonging. 

The journey often is difficult, but, however long the route, finding a place that we can call home, whether it is a group of friends or a close family connection, when those roots are planted and dig deep, we will thrive.

Friendship The Greatest Inconvenient Way to Relieve Stress

Friendship is inconvenient.  It is trying and often fragile.  Friendship frequently requires effort. Yet, in spite of all its impurities, friendship is the best salve for the fatigue of a hard day, the anxieties of a stressful experience or the melancholy of a tragic loss.

When one begins the search for his or her individual oasis away from the travails of everyday life, the single best place to search is in the company of a friend.

An apt adage declares that, “the best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch with, never saying a word, and walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you’ve had.”

Many of us find friendship difficult, either because we feel we are imposing on that friend, or that the friend may impose on us.  Most frequently, when we are despondent, our first inclination is to seek solitude.  It is less true that misery loves company than that gloom makes no room for others.  Yet, by interacting with people, we are less able to focus on our own distresses.  Intuitively, then, when we least want company is when we should seek it out.  How lonely it would be to struggle across that barren desert, searching for our oasis, only to be trapped at that abandoned waterhole, having no one with whom we could share our sanctum!

Friendship is inconvenient, though.  It requires that we be prepared to give of ourselves, and to be there for our friends in need.  Need arises at greatly inconvenient times.  So how do we justify giving of ourselves to friends (and strangers) in need?  Do we selfishly do so, expecting that whatever favours we grant will be repaid?  That is a certain route to disappointment and resentment.  Giving to and being there for a friend should be viewed as the reward in itself.  Attitude determines the colour of the world around us.  The pleasure we derive from the comfort that we provide to a friend should be the selfish reward we seek; consequently, we should be selfish often.

Friendship can be fragile, though.  Disagreements – trivial or intense – occasionally threaten the fabric of interaction with friends.  How we handle those fractures determines our own emotional security, more so than that of our colleague. 

A friend lost may soon be found in the ranks of those whom you count as enemies.  Yet, by allowing a man the privilege of being your enemy, you strengthen him and weaken yourself.  Aristotle said, “The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend.”  In truth, make as many of those enemies into friends as you can, for, like warm hugs, we can never embrace too many friends.  

Friendship, fortunately, is not fading as the television or computer screen replaces the face of a friend.  Yet, we need to be diligent in keeping human interaction in the forefront of our lives, if we wish to reduce the everyday anxieties that our fast-paced world throws at us.

Finding our individual oasis of comfort in life is less likely to be found in financial wealth than it is in the wealth of friends.  While friends may be found cheaply, they are the most precious possession we have in a stressful, combative world.

As Thomas Edison stated, “I have friends in overalls whose friendship I would not swap for the favour of the kings of the world.”

Friends are, in fact, the kings and queens of the world.  Bow to them.