Finding The Oasis

Let’s Not Make A Big Deal Over This

2012-02-21T22:15:00.000-06:00

Author Steve Gilbert, in an interview with Harvard BusinessReview (2011), claims that “when bad things happen, we weep and whine for awhile and then pick ourselves up and get on with it.” Conversely, when even hugely significant events happen in our lives, the euphoriararely lasts for more than a couple of months. If that is true, then we need to refresh ourselves frequently and focusless on disappointments.

A friend of mine – a recently-married carpenter – and I werehaving a few drinks just before Christmas, when I asked him what he hadpurchased for his wife for Christmas. His response was that he had just built her a brand-new house (true),exactly the way she wanted (also true). Therefore, he would not have to buy her a present for several years, asthe house had cost hundreds of thousands of dollars. The rest of us, married for a little to a lotlonger, enjoyed this joke immensely, knowing how untrue this was.

A common old wives’ tale, perpetuated mostly by men, holdsthat a woman places as much value on a single rose given as a gift as on adiamond ring. This is a great philosophyfor husbands and partners looking to be cheap with their gift giving, but hasthe odour of being substantially untrue. Yet, if Mr. Gilbert is right, it is small, frequent pleasures thatuplift us, while monumental events are forgotten quickly.

There are lessons to be taken from this analysis. First, if we make the most of the littlethings in life, our feeling of wellbeing will be enhanced and sustained. And, consequently, since good health isassociated with positive emotions, we improve our health by seeking the littlethings in life.

Second, if we remind ourselves of past successes andpleasures, the same way a pessimist might dwell on prior negative experiences,we are more likely to sustain our pleasurable feelings.

Doing, too, is more beneficial than thinking about doing orprocrastinating, as the experience has more retention power than theanticipation. At the same time, facingproblems head on avoids the stressful feelings when one habitually delays. And, once the problems have passed, we aremore able to put them behind us and move on. That is, rise to he challenge, instead of fleeing from the threat.

Fourth, by developing the habit of mental “mini-vacations,”we are able to stimulate the feelings of pleasure and satisfaction, which, inturn, reduces stress.

Of course, reason is critical in everything, and you areurged, strongly, to not try to substitute a popcorn box ring for a qualityengagement ring, or a plastic rose as a 25^th wedding anniversarygift for your loved one. While “bigdeals” often are forgotten or mitigated in months, such a blunder may havegreater staying power than you can imagine!

How Envy Harms Our Physical & Mental Health

2012-02-06T18:30:00.002-06:00

Is it a coincidence that, in western society, the colourgreen is associated with money and also with envy? After all, capitalism is predicated on theassumption that success is defined by doing better than others, and onfinancial acquisition. Entrepreneurs areencouraged to reach for that top 1% of earners, in order to realize theAmerican dream. To be in the top 1%, youmust climb over the other 99! This isnot to suggest that striving to succeed is wrong. Rather, it is trying to rise above othersthat is the problem, and envy is at the root of that clamour to “earn thegreen.”

In 2007, Dr. S. H. Kim and Dr. R. Smith published a paper entitled “Comprehending Envy” in thePsychological Bulletin, which discussed the role of envy in our lives. Envy, it appears, has a significant impact onour lives in myriad ways, from physical health to motivation to mentalwellbeing. Of the three, the most commonassociation is the negative correlation between envy and happiness andpeacefulness.

Envy universally is viewed negatively by all religions. In Islam, envy can destroy a person’s gooddeeds. In Christianity, one must rejectenvy in order to be saved. In Hinduism, anything, including envy, that leads toan imbalance in life will cause misery, while in Buddhism, taking joy in thegood fortune of others is considered the antidote to envy. Yet, envy is one of the prevailing emotionsin all of us.

Advertisers often seek to stimulate feelings of envy, inorder to encourage us to buy. Unfortunately, we attach euphemisms to thisdestructive force: labels such as desire, or drive, or want or need. We “need” designer label clothes, thefanciest cars, the biggest home, and so on?

Integral to the divorce process is the division of assets,and lawyers prosper when each partner covets objects acquired during theunion. Very often, that desire for aparticular item is driven less by an attachment to the item than it is to theneed to beat the other former partner.

As a Canadian, I often hear other Canadians bemoan the factthat it is cheaper to buy in the USA, that life is better, that the Americanacross the artificial border has more individual freedom, less tax, greaterchoice and so on. Aside from the realitythat this is untrue, many of our fellow Canadians envy and long for the life ofa US citizen. Yet, while some things arecheaper (fuel, for example, is about 8-15% cheaper), insurance, healthpremiums, education, many food items and a host of other acquisitions are pricedhigher than in Canada. At the same time,wages generally are lower for the average person in the USA, social safety& wellbeing networks are less vigourous, and so on.

Many of the world’s prejudices and biases are borne out ofresentment and envy, often compounded by a lack of true understanding. How many in the Middle East dislike the USAbecause of envy and ignorance? How manyof us dislike the Chinese, and envy their perceived economic power due to envyover what we feel are unfair trade advantages?

Studies have found consistently that envy and jealousy leadsto stress and ill health. Many otherstudies have concluded that envy and schadenfreude (taking pleasure in someoneelse’s misery) are components of and contributors to mental health problems,and occasionally manifest themselves in violence and dishonesty againstothers. Some develop overwhelming needto gain revenge, destroy others or “bring them down.”

Yet, the desire to achieve and acquire, often associatedwith greed and power, are not, of themselves, negative. The desire to achieve, and to be the bestperson one can be also are at the heart of democracy and capitalism. The effort to improve the circumstance aroundus, to be dissatisfied with prevailing conditions is not a negative, either. Envy is distinct from the need to be better,but draws this ambition close to its heart when that need is to be better thansomeone else, solely for the purpose of rising above that individual or group. “Black power” and feminism both sought toimprove the lot of those distinct groups, while the Aryan Nations efforts aredirected at belittling and tearing down groups that are unlike the whitesupremists involved in that movement. Clearly, the desire of the first two is to improve oneself or one’s lotin life, while the latter is intent, not on being better by improving, but byforcing others down.

Some people claim that any ambition is negative. This, to me, merely is an excuse to becomplacent, indifferent or indolent.

Envy is best repelled by taking joy in the success, goodfortune and wellbeing of others, and, perhaps, following their examples. Jealousy is best suppressed or rejected byrecognizing and celebrating our own uniqueness, strengths and abilities, butnot using those benefits to take advantage of others.

Inner peace and contentment do not come from failing to riseto challenges, but from embracing those challenges, overcoming them, and savouringthe feeling that we have improved ourselves, and have been considerate ofothers in the process.

The greatest athlete, after all, does not so much competeagainst others as she or he competes against and challenges himself to rise tothe occasion. The most telling mark of a true champion is the way he regards thecompetition after winning (or losing) the competition. Few of the best waste energy on envy. Why should we, then weaken ourselves – ourphysical health, our mental wellbeing or drive to be the best we can be – byallowing jealousy to govern us?

Lead a Life That's Fulfilling, Not Filling

2012-01-31T16:24:00.002-06:00

Many of us are dissatisfied with our lives, but have no ideahow to change. Many of us, too, have noidea that we are dissatisfied, but we wake up lethargically, plod through theday, plop ourselves on our couch after doing the mandatory dinner, and fade offto a restless sleep. We don’t live: weexist.

Of course some of us are driven. We work hard and long. We strive for materialacquisitions – the markers of success. But they are markers only for external observers. Inside, we still plod, intent on achievingand acquiring, but not knowing what our target or where our finish lineis. Indeed, the finish line keepsmoving, and we are forced to continue the marathon of hopelessness.

It is not reaching the pinnacle that createsdissatisfaction: it is not knowing that we have reached our pinnacle, or,worse, that we are climbing the wrong mountain.

When I was twenty-two, I married for the first time. For the three years that the marriage lasted,I climbed four rungs in the corporate ladder, built my own house, purchased newvehicles, new RV, new furniture, and so on. I started my own business, while still working full time. I went to night school to obtain a diploma inBusiness Administration. All this, toprove to my father-in-law and myself that I could be a success, beyond what hehad achieved. And, all that, simplybecause he had the lack of class to tell his daughter that she could do better,that I would not amount to anything.

So, I succeeded, financially and materially well beyond whathe ever achieved, in less than four years. But, more importantly, I failed myself, and I failed my wife. Material success meant no time for any socialinteraction or family time. In the end,I learned that money really meant nothing to me, and that the milestones andmarkers that others set for me were worthless and insignificant. I needed to find my own route to becoming awhole “me.” That learning process didnot come quickly, cheaply or easily. Ithas taken a lifetime, but it has been the most valuable (make that invaluable)acquisition that I could have made.

It is simple, yet difficult to discover and implement thestrategies that are most fulfilling in one’s life. There is a huge difference between fulfillingand filling. Like an obese man gorgingon food, we can fill ourselves and still not feel fulfilled. Mountains of toys, gadgets and luxuriousmaterial possessions can fill our lives, but create a void inside us. How we define fulfilling may vary, but itrarely is defined by measurable, visible markers.

I live a minimal lifestyle, by choice. Having built multi-million dollarsbusinesses, I have achieved. Having hitrock-bottom financially, I have failed. At the same time, when I owned those successful businesses, I was afailure, and when I had no money, I was a success. The difference is that, by allowing externalforces to determine what we see as success, we give away control of ourlives. When we willingly live a Spartanlifestyle, we may (but not always) take back that control, and that feels likesuccess to me!

Locus of control: internal versus external. Pop psychology often defines one as thewillingness to blame and give credit to outside forces for events in our lives,from Satan to God, from other people to events themselves controlling us. Pop psychology defines internal loci ofcontrol as taking credit and blame for every thing that impacts on us, from theway we respond to the world to the way our behaviours, in turn, control theworld outside.

How ludicrous is it to suggest that Satan made me killsomeone, while God made my favourite team win the big game? If we believe our religious teachings, wehave free choice, so to blame or give credit to God, Allah or the devil ispreposterous. Similarly, to suggestthat, because I did something that I shouldn’t have done at work, my wife orchild became ill suggests that I overinflate my own significance and power. In truth, balance in belief isnecessary. We – all of us -- need to seeourselves and the world more dispassionately, and acknowledge that, at times,we control events, and at others, events occur regardless of our impact.

The very first step in achieving a greater level of truesatisfaction in our lives is to recognize that, when it comes to measures ofsuccess and greatness, it should not be what others think or see about us thatmatters, but we see in and think about ourselves that counts. However, that inner assessment needs to betempered by understanding that we are a part of, not the centre of the worldaround us, and that we have a role to play in the outside world, while it has arole to play inside us. We need balance,and we need to establish equilibrium between internal and external loci ofcontrol.

The next step in achieving an enhanced level of truesatisfaction is to separate what is needed in our lives, from what iswanted. That, for most of us, is thehardest step.

Yes, I live a minimalist lifestyle, and drive aneco-friendly Prius. Yet, I do notbegrudge those that drive Hummers and own lavish homes. Each chooses his own route. But to own the Hummer because others willthink you to be successful is as equally weak-kneed as living as a minimalistbecause all your friends think better of you for it. Those choices should be a matter of internalreflection.

In my book, The Last Drop Of Living, I described the stepsto living simply. The methodology bywhich we de-clutter our living space, enjoy less more fully and simplify theworld around us can be applied effectively to increasing our satisfaction levelsin life. It may not be tough, but itlikely will be challenging; like giving up all sweets in your diet. However,the key and inaugural step in reaching that level of comfort in your life isstraightforward. Recognize andacknowledge that you can take control of how you see life and the world, whilealso accepting that many aspects of the world cannot be altered by you. Tacklethe areas that are important to your feeling of wholeness, and refuse to bechannelled by those outside forces that should not impact on you. Accept responsibility and gain freedom in theprocess.

Effects of Music on Happiness

2012-01-30T14:17:00.000-06:00

Each of us has paraphrased the William Congreve line fromhis play, The Mourning Bride: “Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast(actually, breast).” But what is theempirical evidence to support this statement, and, in turn, what impact doesmusic have on our stress levels and degree of happiness, as well as our health?

A study more than a decade old, by researchers at theUniversity of Texas at Tyler (Hubbard, 2001) states that “tones at a fastertempo were rated as happier, brighter, faster. Similarly, higher pitch tones and ascending tones were rated as happier,brighter and faster. So much forstatistical clarification. Some music,simply stated, is more upbeat, and evokes a more lively feeling.

But the feeling of happiness does not necessarily mean thatwe feel better, feel less stress or experience improved health. Other studies do, though, confirm thoseeffects. The question is, does thehappiness evoked from specific music experiences translate into generalwellbeing?

The Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine reported (2001) that“all types of music were capable of reducing heart rates and blood pressure,and of controlling stress. Theresearchers who performed the experiments believe that the beneficial effectsof music are related to the patient’s ability to choose the music. In other words, when people get to choose themusic, they appear to be more relaxed.” Again, this is intuitively obvious. When we are in control of a situation, we are less likely to be stressedby it, and, in turn, our heart rates and blood pressure should decline.

A corollary result of this study found that music couldreduce the stress associated with eye surgery. This is less intuitive, but consistent with other studies on thecorrelation between music that we enjoy and a feeling of wellbeing.

Is some music more likely to affect us positively? Again, the answer is intuitively clear:yes. We all are aroused, soothed, excited,pleased, saddened or emboldened by specific songs, music or genres ofmusic. I, for instance, find blues veryenjoyable and calming, when the very name suggests that I should be saddened. On the other hand, I do not care for jazz,and feel more tense when it is played. Electronica and New Age music relaxes me late at night, while classicalmusic improves my concentration. LynnAnderson’s “Rose Garden” and Bony M’s “Brown Girl In The Ring” evoke similarfeelings, since both are associated with particularly memorable times in mylife.

Some songs, for others, send shivers down the spine, orproduce goose bumps. These are notuniversal responses. Researchers statethat no external stimuli will automatically turn on stress (or happiness)responses, unless we choose to let it. For many of us, though, those rresponses seem automatic. Stress reaction always depends upon how anevent interpreted or perceived.

The University of Maryland School of Medicine insists thatlistening to your favourite music is good for your cardiovascular system andprovide a healthy effect on blood vessel function. (“Positive Emotions and theEndothelium: Does Joyful Music Improve Vascular Health?” Miller M, Beach V, Mangano C, Vogel RA.Oral Presentation. American Heart Association Scientific Sessions, 11/11/2008).

Empiricaldata from objective studies, along with anecdotal information from subjectivereports point to a clear fact: good music means good health and good mood. Soturn that rap music up loud, unless you loathe rap, sing along to yourfavourite opera, unless you like your neighbours, and get a happy on! It’s good for all of us.

Reach Out And Touch Someone. It's Psychologically And Physiologically Healthy

2011-12-03T17:41:00.001-06:00

What is the value of a good massage? For the surgeonfish, even a fake massage willdo! Marta Soares of Portugal's ISPA UniversityInstitute recently concluded a study using surgeonfish and fake cleaner fish,that mimicked the movements of real cleaner fish, to see if the draw of thecleaners was their scouring function, or the stimulation that the nibblingaction provided to the bigger surgeonfish.

It is well known that many larger fish, including massive sharks, notonly allow but encourage small sucker fish to “ride along” and nibble atparasites on the scales of the big fish. It is a symbiotic relationship, in that the small fish gain protection,while the bigger fish get a good cleaning. But seeking out these little stimulators for the sake of a good massageseems hard to understand.

However, the Soares experiment leaves little room for doubt. First, Soares exposed the surgeon fish to allkinds of stressors, similar to what they would experience in the wild, thenthey were put in a tank with the cleaner wrasse. The surgeonfish immediately sought out thecleaners, and positioned themselves in such a way that the wrasses’ finsprovided the massaging action.

So how does this extrapolate to us humans?

Psychology Today reports that, when used to treat eating disorders,massage therapy had some unexpected benefits. As expected, it boosted dopamine and serotonin levels, resulting acalming effect. But it also decreasedthe patients’ dissatisfaction with their bodies and raised their selfesteem. This is the simple and powerfulvalue of touch, as assessed by the University of Michigan Medical School. They showed that there is a strong correlationbetween being touch-deprived and having an eating disorder.

Developmental psychologist Tiffany Field, Ph.D., claims thatmassage, for premature babies, helps them gain weight and improve health. She also claims that touch-deprived babiesgrow up to be more aggressive than those that receive tactile interaction.

Diane Zeitlin, of the New Jersey Medical School discoveredthat touch therapy revved up the immune system in students at exam time, whowere experiencing fatigue and anxiety.

And cancer patients under the care of Pauline King andRichard Jost, of Ohio's James Cancer Hospital reported less pain and anxiety asa result of receiving massage therapy.

More than just sometimes, itseems, the power of touch is all we need to improve our attitudes andresponses, our day, and our lives. Whether human or animal, massage and tactile stimulation are essentialto our emotional, and physical health.

Of All The Most Important Things in Life, The Most Important Is Commitment To Others

2011-11-21T15:02:00.001-06:00

Ask ten people what they consider to be the most importantthing in life, and you may well generate ten different concepts ofessentials. However, explore those tenanswers in more depth, revise the scenario to include the possibility of beingisolated from human contact, and the critical concern that those respondentswill come up with is that a specific person would be the most essential elementto be included in that existence.

Human beings are, like many beasts of the wild, wired toneed social contact. For some, thatcontact may be minimal, but all of us need interaction. Does that mean that we view others as vital,or are we so completely narcissistic that we view fellow man as nothing morethan a need to make our life complete?

Regardless of why we need people with whom to interact, thestimulation that man provides for man completes a significant component of howwe view ourselves. As far back as 1943, psychologist Abraham Maslow postulatedthat the need for belonging, love, friendship and human interaction neared thebase of his hierarchy of needs, just above the need for safety.

The male of the species has been bound, it seems, to man’sbest friend – the dog. While ourconnection to this four-legged friend undoubtedly offers somethingpsychologically satisfying to humans, it lacks the completeness of human tohuman involvement. The connectionfulfills, on the surface, the need to have someone, or something else,understand us.

Gang membership, and, in turn, gang initiation, draws on thedesire to belong, and to be involved in something that sees us, individually,as something special. While, superficially, gang members appear to lose thatindividuality, they do view themselves, in fact, as disparate and unique fromthe rest of the world, or the rest of the neighbourhood.

There may be precious little difference between the desireto be a gang member and the desire to belong to an elite club, or a segment ofsociety that has riches to flaunt. Bothsay to the initiate, pledge or member, “You are part of something special andunique, and therefore, you, too, are unique.”

The idea of looking to be a part of something that someoneelse cannot be a part of is coloured with liberal dollops of narcissisticpersonality. Yet, is it wrong? And how is it different, for example, fromseeking to find that special aspect or part of our lives that fulfills us?

I have chosen a minimalistic way of life. Does eschewing material acquisition make bethe antithesis of narcissistic? Hardly. I choose this lifestylespecifically because I feel that I want to focus, not on frills, but on fewer,but more significant benefits and luxuries in my life. To simply forfeit things for the sake offorfeit gains neither the minimalist or society at large anything. It is akin to being a lowly carrion-eater,and choosing to ignore the carrion that it finds, in case someone else mightcome upon it and want it.

When I began my journey toward voluntary simplicity, andopted to focus on fewer, but more significant things in my life, I had notcontemplated the philosophical dilemma of choosing specifically what the mostimportant thing in my life would be. Ihad a concept of things and experiences that would be more significant to methan others, but had not established an absolute priority. That changed, dramatically, this week.

On Tuesday, my wife awoke, drenched in sweat, breathingshallowly, experiencing numbness on her right side, and thoroughlynauseated. Within seconds, I had her inthe car, heading toward the hospital. Driving as quickly as I could from our isolated home toward the localhospital, I called 911, and was escorted through the protocols as I rushed to intercept thedispatched ambulance. When I determinedthat I could make it closer to the hospital, rather than park on the highwayand await the emergency vehicle, I became quite belligerent with the dispatcherwho wanted me to be in an identifiable location for the EMS drivers. My anger increased as the seconds passed, andmy wife’s symptoms worsened.

Ultimately, the ambulance arrived, my wife was rushed toanother hospital thirty miles distant (where better diagnostics could beconducted), and her impending critical incident was averted. I am very pleased to say that, while she wasclose to a severe crisis, she has recovered fully, thanks to the speedyresponse of the EMS team and the skills and dedication of the hospital staff.

However, what I learned was that all of the important thingsthat I had casually itemized in recent years truly were minimal in relation tothe one important thing in my life: the valued relationship and love affairthat I have with Janice. I learned manyvaluable lessons, but the most vital lesson learned is that the most importantthing in everyone’s life should not be a thing at all, but a feeling: the feeling that you have for someoneimportant in your life. For many of us,that someone may not even be human, but a pet or animal pal. The most important “non-thing,” even for usminimalists, should be a feeling that has its basis in narcissism, butultimately ends in completely submerging our own wants and desires in favour ofthe needs of another. Call it love, orcall it selflessness. Call it what youwant. The most important thing in lifeis to place all things behind the commitment to another living being.

Give Life A Hug. It's Free and Fulfilling!

2011-11-21T14:22:00.001-06:00

Minimalism: emptiness, austerity, meaninglessness,plainness. Minimizing is the act ofreducing or eliminating. So, it isreasonable to interpret that minimalism is the equivalent of bland. Wrong! A life of voluntary simplicity can offer much more than nothing! Indeed, by eliminating the emotional,physical and psychological clutter in our lives, we free up space for more oflife itself.

It is the route of someone who has given up on life that isthe path of emptiness and meaninglessness. A true minimalist does not give up on life: he embraces it.

I currently work on a project that helps those who otherwisecould not afford it to buy their own homes, and to live with a measure ofdignity even while living in poverty. Ironically, living in poverty and austerity seems to be how many peopleview minimalism. My project does notrequire me to own, but it does require me to give. I give of my energy and knowledge, yet itdoes not deplete me in any way. That isthe essence of the cliché about “giving a smile.” The more you give, the more you have.

In prior articles, I described how minimalism is like beingan art gallery director. By clearingaway the junk and debris, and featuring a sculpture or painting, isolated on apedestal or wall, you actually draw attention to and enhance the pleasure ofthat work of creativity. Similarly, whenone gives up the junk in his or her life, more room is created for morevaluable pursuits.

I have found that, when I cleanse my body through short-termdieting, I find sources of energy inside of which I doubted the existence. In the same manner, when I began the processof cleansing my accumulation of worthless stuff, my involvement with thisfrivolous fluff decreased concurrently. That meant more free time to enjoy the activities that I liked. But dieters who deprive themselves of eating,or who gorge on exercise, have replaced one weakness with another, and neitheroffers the intrinsic pleasure that a life of casual, regular and responsibleliving and eating provides.

The great benefit, for me, of a life of voluntary simplicityis that I have become more enthused about other pursuits. Those pursuits, suchas charitable ventures, are the ones that drive me. However, you may find moretime for family, or participating in events, in learning, and so on. By owning less, you receive more.

But, with less baggage, you also are free toenthusiastically embrace life, and become enthusiastic about the world aroundyou. Do not sit back, and waste thefreedom you receive by carrying less material, less responsibility and morestress. Grab the world, and give it afigurative hug! Enthusiasm andexcitement are not “things.” While theyare simple, both are free, take up no space and yet will fill the newly discoveredfree spaces in your life.

Newton Was Wrong: (Human) Bodies Do Not Tend To Stay At Rest!

2011-11-01T12:43:00.000-05:00

Newton postulated that a body at rest will tend to stay atrest. Witticisms aside, that principleclearly does not apply to human beings. Rest is merely a reprieve from living. Those of us that seek to stay atrest are not seeking that oasis in life that allows us to feel fulfilled andsatisfied, but are seeking to avoid the challenges that interaction with theworld demands. Yet, many of us describeour idyllic oasis in terms of doing nothing!

In my articles on finding your oasis in life, I havefocused, to date, on self-realization. Self realization principally enables us to recognize who we are, what wewant and how we relate to the world around us. It is self-actualization – the endeavour to become the best we can be –that provides the fulfilment necessary to being comfortable with ourselves andour lives.

In the early 1900s, Abraham Maslow proposed his hierarchy ofneeds. This schematic implied that themost basic needs must be met before we could hope to climb the eight-rungladder to self-actualization. Morerecently, psychologist Steven Reiss suggested that there are sixteen basicdesires that all of us seek to satisfy. Psychologist Clayton Alderfer revised the Maslow model, and formulatedhis Existence, Relatedness and Growth theory. He subsequently added in a regression component, saying that, whenhigher needs such as self-actualization and self-esteem needs are not met, weredouble our efforts to achieve lower-level needs.

These theories all imply that humans have needs that areongoing, and that we, internally and externally, seek to have those needssatisfied. We all, therefore, areseeking that oasis where we can regroup and renew our attempts to reachself-actualization.

Ironically, as we near the self-actualization level, ourconcerns begin to focus more on our role in the world around us, and ourperceived needs begin to give way to the needs of others. Social responsibility becomes one of thoseintegral elements in self-fulfilment.

Many people, altruistically, place others well ahead ofthemselves. My mother, for instance,would sit up into the wee hours of the morning from September to December,making presents for children who needed to have a Christmas gift. She ached to provide for “those people whoare less fortunate.” However, she failedto consider herself to be one of those less fortunate, even though ourhousehold income never exceeded $3,000 in a year, our 450-square foot homesheltered six family members, one of the rooms in the house had no floor, andshe was dying of cancer. Others camefirst, for her. Most of the year, shelived an embittered existence, but, as Christmas approached, she found heroasis.

As I was preparing this article on motivation andself-development, I took time to view a documentary on Harry Belafonte. I was in the midst of writing about achievingself-satisfaction. But the documentarychanged that focus, dramatically.

In one scene, a starving child lay passively, as fliescrawled over his gaping, listless eyes. And I was thinking of how we should seek out tranquillity?

In another clip, Belafonte and Martin Luther King struggleto make the Kennedys understand how unjust the treatment of blacks in Americawas at that time. And I was consideringways to escape from the world around us, to alleviate the angst and stress?

Neither Belafonte or King reached the point where they couldsay that they were satisfied. King neversaw the progress that he stimulated. Belafonte has never been satisfied to say that he has done enough. Yet, each reached a point in their lives thatvery few of us ever even strive to reach.

Finding your oasis, consequently, should not be aboutfinding a level where one can be at perpetual rest. It is not human nature. Finding your oasis must be as much aboutenduring the travails of the desert, so that one can pause, look around for afew moments and say, “I’m ready to continue my journey of being a betterperson.” Without satisfying thosehigher-level human needs, we are doomed to continually attempt to slake ourhuman thirst to be better by turning to our more base, self-serving needs. That, in turn, makes us no better than theanimals around us. Our oasis can only befound when our focus is on being a better person, and a better part ofhumanity.

Competition, Like Chocolate, Must Be Right Type To Be Healthy

2011-10-21T11:08:00.002-05:00

Ask the average person to describe the ideal retreat fromeveryday life, and she will depict a life that is stress free andnon-competitive. However, ask that sameperson to endure a month of living with no stress of any sort and nochallenges, and that person will describe, at the end of that period, a life ofboredom. Our perfect oasis in life, thenis not a safe, comfortable, unchallenging escape from the joys and distressesthat constitute our lives.

One of the most banal beverages is water. However, try to live without it! A quarter of the world eats potatoes as astaple part of the diet, while three quarters eat rice. Can you think of foods with less taste? On the other hand, foods like lemon,tomatoes, dark fruits and green vegetables have sometimes harsh, other timesvigorous tastes, yet we need them, in abundance, to ensure health. The analogy is simple: vitality springs fromcontrast and challenge.

In life, our staple foods for emotional wellbeing arecompetition and stress. Like red wine,too much can be harmful. Like chocolate– dark versus milk – stress and competition, to be healthy, must be the correcttype. Competition, like stress, canproduce positive benefits, or erode our wellbeing.

Psychologist David Lowenstein states that “healthycompetition can help a child have more energy and spirit, it can stimulatebetter performance.” At the same time,unhealthy competition can destroy self-esteem and decrease incentive toachieve. Low self-esteem is one of thesignificant contributors to stress, as is loss of control over asituation.

Competition, where a party to the challenge is subjected tofeelings of inferiority is likely to result in long-term effects, as well. Consider the child who is repeatedly placedin a sports environment that emphasizes winning over personal improvement. The result often is an insecure child.

As we move through life, competition can take nastyturns. The movie, Mean Girls,highlighted that nastiness. Facebook hasbecome a forum for vindictive sniping at peers in the adolescent and teenageworld, and has led to numerous suicides at the hands of victims who feeldenigrated because they did not “fit in.” That type of competition is extremely detrimental.

But competition is more than an element of sports, or socialpecking order for teens. Again, look tothe office setting. In suchenvironments, the competition to dress “to the nines” results in a stressfulfocus on clothes, makeup and posturing. On the other hand, in the rural environment, such preening would be ostracized.In the work world, the competition for jobs leads to backbiting and underhandedstrategies to tear down opponents. The stress that results destroys marriages,creates huge debt crises and encourages distorted perceptions of that which isimportant in life.

The answer to how to segregate good stress from bad, healthycompetition from unhealthy is simple: release the need to be competitive inareas over which you have little control, like appearance or fancy possessions.

However, eliminating all competitive urges leads to asociety disinterested in challenges and self-betterment, while cooperativecompetition leads to self-improvement and awareness of the benefit of rising tothe challenge of making the world a better place.

Ask the average person, again, to describe their idyllicoasis in life, once they understand the void that eliminating all challengesand competition in their world will create, and he is likely to opt for anenvironment where he can choose how, where and when he competes, but isunlikely to opt for a mellow, milquetoast world of indifference. Thus, our individual oasis in life is lessabout passivity and indolence, and more about enjoying and embracing thestimulation of life, on terms in which we are comfortable engaging thosechallenges. In short, our oasis is aplace where we have a measure of control over those stressors and challengesthat we feel that we have a reasonable expectation of hurdling. We want competition, deep within.

Your Bad Day Rarely More Than 5% Bad!

2011-10-17T09:32:00.000-05:00

www.robertflee.com
So you think you’re having a bad day? Perhaps, the worst in your life! Hyperbole aside, bad days rarely are trulybad.

Think of your morning commute. A fifteen-minute delay in traffic. Perhaps a rude driver cuts you off. 10 seconds, at most. That’s a mere 910seconds out of a day of 86,400 seconds. The “bad day” has consumed no more than1% of your day. However, the delay putsyou in a foul mood for the entire forty-minute drive, and the first half-hourof your workday. In turn, you snap at a couple of coworkers, and may make amistake or two because of your elevated stress levels. This consumes another ten minutes to correct.You’ve added eighty minutes of “bad” to your bad day! Not only that, you’ve helped to ruin a fewmoments of your coworkers’ days; perhaps even more than that. One percent has become 6.6%, veryquickly.

Still, if your “bad day” has no more than sixor seven percent negative in it, that’s far from disastrous. 93% is still okay to great, if you adjust tothe circumstances. Unfortunately, manyof us let the bad moments fester, and our day goes downhill. It is all a matter of attitude, and yours isleading to unpleasant experiences.

In 1986 (June 6, to be precise), I had arelatively bad day, that started at about 10pm. At that time, I was heading to my house with my children. When I arrived, I found the door locked. A moment of stupidity followed, where Ipounded on the leaded glass window of the front door. Hard. Very hard. It broke.

My arm went through the glass, and then theglass went through my arm, with a sharp spear about six inches long in thebottom of the frame slicing into my forearm, precisely at the wrong point. My instant, reflexive reaction was to pullback. That raked the flesh, muscle,tendons, nerves, artery and vein back toward my wrist for a distance of aboutfive inches, into a messy pile. Bloodspurted like a wildcat oil well. My handflopped wildly back and forward as I flinched. That was bad. Less than threeseconds, and, including the angry moment, less than thirty. Out of 86,400.

Now that bad day had potential to get a lotworse, with the vast amount of blood I was losing.

I rushed into the house, to my dresser (or,more precisely, to the last drawer in the dresser that did not contain mywife’s clothes. Ripping open the drawer,I grabbed one of my cotton tee shirts to use as a tourniquet, wrapping ittightly around my forearm, and slowing the flow.

I thought it was my tee shirt. My wife, unknown to me, had commandeered mylast drawer, and I had used one of her white tops. I heard about it from her.

This still had potential to be horriblybad. I needed to get to the hospital,quickly. And my wife was screaming at mefor ruining her $15 top! That was whenthe fun started, as I saw it. It evenseemed grotesquely funny at that moment!

My wife had been home, but was disinclined tounlock the door for me. The good luckwas that she was in the company of a friend, who saw the urgency, quickly gotme back into my car and drove me toward the hospital. On the way, we intercepted a police car,heading for, of all places, a snack shop.

Local police generally are not supposed totransport emergency victims to the hospital. They are to stabilize the patient, while summoning the ambulance. I was not going to wait. I was able to get out of my car, and made myway to the cruiser, opening the rear door myself. The police re-entered the car and looked atme. Didn’t put the car in drive, didn’tlook to help this profusely bleeding individual. Just looked at me, one by turning around, theother in the rear view mirror. I knew mycolour was pale. But when I fell againstthe side of the door in weakness, the male cop turned more white that I couldever have been.

“Drive, drive, drive,” he screamed at thefemale cruiser pilot. She drove. That, too, was funny.

Within eight minutes, we were at the hospitalemergency entrance. However, neither copseemed to have the strength or will to get out of the vehicle and assistme. Both, now, turned to stare,terrified, at me. I was trapped in therear, bleeding to death. I could feelthe air conditioning start at my feet and well up my legs. I could not release my grip on my leftforearm, largely because I could no longer feel my hands. The top of my head felt air-conditioned. I knew what was happening, and, somehow atthat moment, the absurdity of the situation was not particularly funny. It was, in retrospect, but not at themoment.

My good luck was that the cops had forewarnedthe hospital that I was arriving. Anorderly was waiting at the entrance, and, after a minute, stepped forward tolet me out of the car. The cops satthere, and as I looked back at them, they were staring in revulsion at thebloody mess that I had left behind on the rear seat. I found that slightly amusing.

As I was wheeled to the intake desk of thisnewly renovated emergency area, I took note of the bright carpet in thearea. So did the intake nurse. She gasped, when she noticed the blood that Iwas dripping onto the carpet, and quickly wheeled me onto a linoleum-coveredarea. That, I confess, was morbidlyfunny, and I pondered why any sane administratorwould put down carpet in an emergency entrance.

The rest of the night was a mix of bizarre,tedium and graveside comedy. The onlydoctor-in-residence on shift that night came in an hour after I had beenwheeled into a quiet area, a compression bandage applied, and painkilleroffered. I had declined, because Iabsolutely was terrified of needles. Thedoctor entered, lifted the compression bandage briefly, shuddered, uttered“ugh,” and left. I never saw himagain! That was both absurd and somewhatfrightening. Ten hours later, at 8 am, my plastic surgeon arrived to begin thereconstruction. He was introduced as Dr.Robert Grafton. What a marvellous namefor a reconstructive surgeon!

Nine hours later, I saw him again, as Iemerged from the anaesthesia.

“What kind of job did you do?” I asked him.

“Not as good as you,” he replied. It was intended as humour, and I laughed.

The next day, I met my roommate, who had beenasleep when I had usurped his territory on the ward the previous late afternoon. He was a marvellous character, who had hadhis left elbow shattered by a baseball bat when he went to the assistance of ayoung man who was being beaten by several attackers. From his left ear to the tips of his leftfingers, he was a beautiful, translucent purple, with the skin so swollen thatit looked like the balloon that was his arm would pop any second. He spent a great deal of time onDemerol. Anyone who calls the centre ofnerves at the back of the elbow a “funny bone” should discuss that choice ofwords with my roommate at the hospital. I felt pain just looking at the injury!

That was Sunday morning. The entire weekend had been a Monty Pythonmarathon on television. We both, itturned out, loved Monty Python, and we both devoured episode after episode allday, well into early morning. Neither ofus bothered with any painkillers, from early Sunday afternoon, until the nextmorning. We laughed so hard, so long, soloud that the nurses frequently came into the room to threaten to evict us fromthe hospital. It was not that other patients were being disturbed, as our doorwas shut. It was merely that the staffwanted to be part of the experience of these two patients, supposedly inextreme pain, enjoying the night so fully and vivaciously. That day was one of the best that I had hadin years, throughout my crumbling marriage.

I learned from that accident that I can do a greatdeal with only one hand, and practised for months at improving thoseskills. Prior to the accident, I loathedsales. Because I could not return to myold occupation for many months, I took training in sales, and became a verysuccessful salesperson.

I found, most of all, that bad days – even assupposedly terrible as June 6, 1986 – most often are not bad. I had less that 2% of my day that could becategorized as “bad.” I saw a lot ofunique situations, and even enjoyed a lot of laughs along the way.

The day would have been bad, if I had not reactedto staunch the negative flow. Byinteracting with positive experiences, my bad day became a great one (albeitmightily inconvenient), and I grew, as a person, as a result of what wassupposed to be a bad moment.

Before you let that jerk who cut you off ruin yourday, and the days of those around you, think. How many seconds really have been ruined? Then get on with enjoying the rest of yourday, even with its few not-so-great moments. Have a great day!

Friendship The Greatest Inconvenient Way to Relieve Stress

2011-09-30T18:31:00.001-05:00

Friendship is inconvenient. It is trying and often fragile. Friendship frequently requires effort. Yet, in spite of all its impurities, friendship is the best salve for the fatigue of a hard day, the anxieties of a stressful experience or the melancholy of a tragic loss.

When one begins the search for his or her individual oasis away from the travails of everyday life, the single best place to search is in the company of a friend.

An apt adage declares that, “the best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch with, never saying a word, and walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you’ve had.”

Many of us find friendship difficult, either because we feel we are imposing on that friend, or that the friend may impose on us. Most frequently, when we are despondent, our first inclination is to seek solitude. It is less true that misery loves company than that gloom makes no room for others. Yet, by interacting with people, we are less able to focus on our own distresses. Intuitively, then, when we least want company is when we should seek it out. How lonely it would be to struggle across that barren desert, searching for our oasis, only to be trapped at that abandoned waterhole, having no one with whom we could share our sanctum!

Friendship is inconvenient, though. It requires that we be prepared to give of ourselves, and to be there for our friends in need. Need arises at greatly inconvenient times. So how do we justify giving of ourselves to friends (and strangers) in need? Do we selfishly do so, expecting that whatever favours we grant will be repaid? That is a certain route to disappointment and resentment. Giving to and being there for a friend should be viewed as the reward in itself. Attitude determines the colour of the world around us. The pleasure we derive from the comfort that we provide to a friend should be the selfish reward we seek; consequently, we should be selfish often.

Friendship can be fragile, though. Disagreements – trivial or intense – occasionally threaten the fabric of interaction with friends. How we handle those fractures determines our own emotional security, more so than that of our colleague.

A friend lost may soon be found in the ranks of those whom you count as enemies. Yet, by allowing a man the privilege of being your enemy, you strengthen him and weaken yourself. Aristotle said, “The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend.” In truth, make as many of those enemies into friends as you can, for, like warm hugs, we can never embrace too many friends.

Friendship, fortunately, is not fading as the television or computer screen replaces the face of a friend. Yet, we need to be diligent in keeping human interaction in the forefront of our lives, if we wish to reduce the everyday anxieties that our fast-paced world throws at us.

Finding our individual oasis of comfort in life is less likely to be found in financial wealth than it is in the wealth of friends. While friends may be found cheaply, they are the most precious possession we have in a stressful, combative world.

As Thomas Edison stated, “I have friends in overalls whose friendship I would not swap for the favour of the kings of the world.”

Friends are, in fact, the kings and queens of the world. Bow to them.

Finding Your Oasis: Turning Life Into Luxury

2011-09-26T13:01:00.000-05:00

We all seek a safe, pleasurable life, or moment in life. We all seek an oasis of comfort, safety and well-being. Finding our own oasis is a quest, and it is a quest that is individual.

This article, on finding your own oasis, is really about you, so to confuse things, and to appear completely narcissistic, I want to start by talking about me. About what I regard as being important. About what my dreams are. About my beliefs. About the things I do. And, most significantly, about to whom I relate and love.

Actually, I intend to do very little of what I have just claimed. Quite simply, I approach life with a maximum focus on living it, and a minimal focus on owning it. I rent life. And my supplier makes no promises to me! That is the basis on which I operate. Do, feel and live it now! That is, be and do the best you can be, today.

What each of us deems to be “the best” is extremely subjective. However, there are a few very definite principles that should guide our direction. I would like, in this introductory article on “finding your oasis,” to elaborate on those concepts, and help you to discover that idyllic spot – figurative or literal – in this world that is meant just for you. This quintet of canons are: 1) Know what is important to you. We evolve throughout our life, so what is important may change periodically. 2) Have a dream. Better yet, have dreams! 3) Believe in something, energetically. Stand up for your beliefs, too. 4) Live life, and do so with commitment. 5) Love life, and the things in it. Even love that which you hate.

I began by threatening to talk about me. I find that difficult, since I have been indoctrinated with the belief that I should always place others first, and that modesty requires that I not talk about myself. It is a belief that I have analysed, and found that, even though it was impregnated in me as a child, by my parents, it still remains true. That is the beauty of adulthood. I can choose to embrace or reject those tenets and moral imperatives that others hold to be absolute. I can make the choice as to what principles will guide my actions and thoughts. It is choice , in itself, that impacts on our drive to seek a sanctum or haven from the rest of the world.

According to psychologist, Dr. Richard Lazarus, "Stress resides neither in the situation nor in the person. It depends on a transaction between the two." Yet, one of the primary reasons that people cite as to why they may want to escape from a situation, a circle of influence, a way of life or a job is that they are stressed. And, combining a lack of control over our stressful situation with a lack of tools to deal effectively with stress seems to heighten that need to seek relief from the stressor. Occupational psychologist, Cary Cooper, suggests that even the new technologies that should have been relief mechanisms for stress are contributing to greater stress on individuals.

So, since stress seems to play the pivotal role in our need to “find our oasis,” many of my future articles will examine ways to deal with that stress.

Much of the lives of many of us is spent doing things that we loathe, or, at least, would prefer to not be doing. The majority of us, for example, count the seconds until the end of the workday, because we are labouring at a task that we do not enjoy. We either have to “suck it up” and endure, leave the job, or discover ways to turn the tasks into fun. That is the essence of one scene in the Mary Poppins musical. We should, regardless of our job or circumstance, be seeking out those things that are important to us, and embracing them, while, at the same time, finding significance in what we do.

For some of us, ironically, the most important thing is money, and we are willing to endure unpleasant consequences in the pursuit of it. My wife and I live a life of voluntary simplicity, living with the minimum of acquisitions. In my blog on Lean and Green Living, I elaborate, though, on some of the stressors that such a lifestyle generates, even though the way of living is intended to reduce stress. If money is that important, then you need to find ways to achieve the goal of acquisition, in order to find your own oasis. However, a word of caution: money, most often, is not the objective. It is what that money signifies, so look deeper, to find the truly important things that you believe that money provides.

Hand in hand with discovering what is important to you is understanding and elaborating upon what your dreams may be. Dreams are viewed as being distant goals, rather than immediate rewards. In fact, dreams can be close at hand, or even instantaneous. My dream is to share a way to live harmoniously, with every one of nature’s gifts, free of intolerance, and to live magnanimously. While I have not reached that goal (and never will, since the goal constantly moves, and I frequently stumble), I have enriched my life by keeping that dream in focus.

The third tenet in finding our unique oasis is to believe in something, energetically. I believe in the idea that, in everything I possess, ownership is transient. Therefore, since I also believe that I am “my brother’s keeper,” I should not waste or frivolously destroy what I have been given, and should, indeed, seek to improve what I possess before passing it on. Tied with each of the other four canons of living, I spend much of my leisure time exploring energy and conservation concepts, in the hope that I can improve on what is available currently. It may be vain, but it is satisfying.

How many of us live our lives with commitment? How many of us passively watch our lives expire? By doing little to rescue ourselves, we contribute to our stress and our feelings of being lost and helpless. Stand up and be counted. You may be standing up on the side opposite me, but that neither makes you right or wrong. It makes you dedicated and enthusiastic about that which you choose to embrace, and that takes you a step closer to finding your oasis.

Lastly, we need to love life, and everything in it. My severed finger, or my long-distant failed marriages, or my infrequent financial crises may not be pleasant, but they reveal to us that we are not observers of life: we are participants, and we should as eagerly endure these hurdles as we do those special, wonderful moments in life, that occur far more frequently than the bitter ones.

There is no one answer to how all of us achieve the goals and objectives outlined in our guide to finding our own oasis. There are thousands of ideas and routes, as well as side trails and detours. Nonetheless, when we set out on the journey toward our oasis in the desert, we will already have begun to find it.